Why Holiday Thoughts are Simple

My mother told me rather non-chalantly that when they were younger,(*), the plan was for my father to die around 85 or 86; she would be around 80 and this would be just fine.
Also slightly in jest (but you never know) she suggested he stab her and then shoot himself (a loud, rambunctious, slavic romeo and juliet but funnier).
That she didn't want to be part of the f*cking widows club.

(*) represents the even more simply uttered aside of
"because you know, he was my whole world".

I dreamed of him in their bedroom from my childhood home, with our german shepherds, his roosters and chickens from his childhood and some fresh running water, waiting for her, and for us. Mismatched shapes like the shadow seahorse I saw the other night in silhouette, and groggy disciplines. I was saying to someone who'd never met him that "he could find the best and most pure qualities in you, he'd just find them right away and connect to you on your best level." Then eyes opened, tears, too many blankets, cat drinking the water at the side of my bed. Bristle ring, wet snow. It didn't stick.

hope

I hope this is what you really want.
Still hope all your dreams come true.
I hope you are yourself, always.

bitters

Rainy days of country music just aren't enough.
Sweep out the ashes, choke on the filth and the dust,
clean air is all I'm hoping for.

To miss is one thing, swirling in the curve of nostalgia and the glassy eyes of a memory.

But actually needing the command of Those arms, Those hands,
That tongue...craving
the smell of That skin,
actually still Wanting That One.

The Body and its Heartbeat is not interested in what my mind tells me
to do.

I think I've stopped listening to that system altogether.

You can have the straw and the shit and the dust and your thoughts
about who you think you are.
I'll take the gold instead.

Got him locked up, do you? At the base of your closet floor, suffocating
underneath filthy unwashed clothes and dreams.
I love that man and wish you'd let him out.

I would have $^@%*& you til the end of time.